i have been extremely tested as a human recently. i made a huge huge mistake. it’s not a big deal to others, but it is very much a big deal to me. it has made me realize that i am not as strong as i thought. i have held myself to a standard my entire life, especially when it comes to this, and i let it all go in one night. that’s what alcohol can do to a person. i can’t sleep through the night, i’m constantly queasy, i can’t focus whatsoever. it’s my fault, i understand, but I have learned from this. I will be better and I will not succumb to the temptations and sins of living anymore. i know that’s not a true statement, because i’ll forever be a sinner, but i will learn and better myself. i know i can do better. we all can. God knows me and he forgives me. I can feel his mercy. Call me crazy, doubt me, but I know what I feel and I feel him.
there are too many great things to be obsessed with only one. take it all in, everything that touches you. don’t pick one thing, pick everything. that is what is wrong with society. we go to college and choose a major that will be our entire life. everything, everyone, and everywhere is my life and i want it all. and at the same time, i want nothing. finding that boundary between exploration and obsession. finding that boundary between connected and solitary. i guess what i want is balance.
we grow comfortable with someone, and they know or “claim” to know traits and characteristics about you. we accept these things as part of who we are. but what if one day we decide, you know what, i don’t want to talk shit about people anymore, or i don’t want to complain, or i don’t want to eat shit food. but you can’t change because the person who knows you so well won’t accept that as you, and you’ll be perceived as a phony trying to be someone your not. but i have decided that is stupid. because we are not defined to particular traits for our whole lives. we can be who we want to be. we can better ourselves if we desire. don’t let others define you. don’t even define yourself. we are ever-changing. just be.
“It’s a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you’re ready. I have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There is almost no such thing as ready. There is only now. And you may as well do it now. Generally speaking, now is as good a time as any.”—Hugh Laurie (via arabarabarab)
“You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place. Like you’ll not only miss the people you love but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you’ll never be this way ever again.”—Azar Nafisi (via endangerment)
I left that city for a good reason — to get away from the madness. I can only endure a hurricane so many times. I once had a thought that said ”this is my town; my palace”. That was the worst lie I have ever told. I told that lie to myself. I never connected with the character of that city in…
since i’ve been back i’ve been in a state of depression it seems.
this weekend, i woke up with absolutely no plans/purpose/motivation. i decided to sleep until it was time for a “brunch” of sorts. I’d go out and find some food. I’d come back, click twitter, then instagram, then Facebook, then back to twitter and so on. i’d do this on and on. then i’d put my phone down. open my computer and redo it. it’s like i was waiting for something to put a spark inside me. i was waiting on someone or something to jump out and say “HEY! GO DO THIS AND BE INSPIRED AND LOVE LIFE.” I have this big glass window in this dull bedroom of mine. I can see airplanes coming and going and it reminds me how much is going on outside of this room that i am not a part of. This only adds to my depression. i miss the feeling of home. of being in company with my friends in a dance studio. i miss my brothers being in the next room over. i miss my mom taking naps on the couch. i feel so alone here. so freaking alone. and now that i’m practically stranded in this huge room, all the empty space and bare walls are a reminder of exactly how alone i really am. my roommate and her friends coming and going. and here i am, just staying. but here’s the thing, i don’t think i would want to be coming and going to the places they are. to parties in gaudy outfits and whatnot. all i want is the company of the people i love. someone that can fill this room huge empty room. so what i think i’m trying to say is, i don’t want to have to be like the airplanes or busy bodies, i want to be able to stay in one room all day without feeling like i’m missing something/someone. i should probably work on solitude. i like to think i’m good at being alone, but recently, being alone has been one of the hardest things. but i don’t want just anyone to be with. because that would just be a pain in the ass if i didn’t like them. idk what i’m saying anymore.
i can’t quit crying tonight. i think it’s the soreness talking, but i just can’t grasp my life. i look around, people have goals and motivation and i feel empty. i am so empty that i want others to achieve their goals so badly that i can feel something for them. i’ve given up on myself and my passion. tonight someone said “dance isn’t for everyone, it just isn’t” and that is so fucking true and so fucking false at the same time. it’s true in the sense that not everyone of us can get “somewhere” with it, but it’s false because everyone has a fucking body therefore we can all fucking dance and we have the right to it. so i guess that is all i need. my grandma asked me “did you come home just to dance? what do you get out of it?” i responded… “nothing i guess… except an experience.” and that’s exactly what dance is to me, an experience. not a career, not a future, not a talent…. it’s none of those for me. it’s an experience. and until i can no longer experience dance for whatever terrible reason, that is when i will call it all off and say “yeah grandma, you’re right, that was a waste.” but i can’t see that happening anytime soon. so i shall dance
i think it is time for a little mental reflection.
i’ve been home for 3 weeks now. i have seen lots of the people i have loved so dearly in my past. with some people, it feels like i never left. like i have been here all along. with others, i can feel the past months effect on our relationship. time is the hardest test of all. i have been deeply disappointed in a lot of people recently, and i know it is not my place, so i will not say a word. it’s just something about trying to hold on to something that is no longer there that makes living so hard. surrounded by my past, but living in the present. it’s almost impossible.