i have been extremely tested as a human recently. i made a huge huge mistake. it’s not a big deal to others, but it is very much a big deal to me. it has made me realize that i am not as strong as i thought. i have held myself to a standard my entire life, especially when it comes to this, and i let it all go in one night. that’s what alcohol can do to a person. i can’t sleep through the night, i’m constantly queasy, i can’t focus whatsoever. it’s my fault, i understand, but I have learned from this. I will be better and I will not succumb to the temptations and sins of living anymore. i know that’s not a true statement, because i’ll forever be a sinner, but i will learn and better myself. i know i can do better. we all can. God knows me and he forgives me. I can feel his mercy. Call me crazy, doubt me, but I know what I feel and I feel him.
there are too many great things to be obsessed with only one. take it all in, everything that touches you. don’t pick one thing, pick everything. that is what is wrong with society. we go to college and choose a major that will be our entire life. everything, everyone, and everywhere is my life and i want it all. and at the same time, i want nothing. finding that boundary between exploration and obsession. finding that boundary between connected and solitary. i guess what i want is balance.
i’m losing weight and that’s the end of discussion
we grow comfortable with someone, and they know or “claim” to know traits and characteristics about you. we accept these things as part of who we are. but what if one day we decide, you know what, i don’t want to talk shit about people anymore, or i don’t want to complain, or i don’t want to eat shit food. but you can’t change because the person who knows you so well won’t accept that as you, and you’ll be perceived as a phony trying to be someone your not. but i have decided that is stupid. because we are not defined to particular traits for our whole lives. we can be who we want to be. we can better ourselves if we desire. don’t let others define you. don’t even define yourself. we are ever-changing. just be.